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So me

Dec. 5th, 2005 | 07:05 pm
mood: depresseddepressed
music: The Decemberists - The Engine Driver

I wonder whether I will always feel like I'm in the shadow of people who I admire ... or whether one day I will finally feel equal to them and able to recognise my own worth.

I don't know.

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Uni and stress

Nov. 20th, 2005 | 01:40 am
mood: nervousnervous

I probably wrote in here that I came home after having flu. I can't really remember.

Well, that was a week and a half ago. I feel kinda crazy for having not gone back to uni sooner, especially as I've probably made life difficult for one of my housemates by not being around. I've also missed a ton of social stuff including a friend's birthday, and by now my friends are probably thinking that I've gone off to live in a cave. Heaven knows what they're going to think when I get back. There will be lots of questions about what I did this week ... and the simple, sad truth is that I haven't done much. Well, I guess not by their standards anyway.

In my own mind I've done tons. I've done lots of work including creative writing and catching up with most of my English reading, done a heck of a lot of drawing and spent a lot of time with my family. I've also taken photographs, been online a lot, watched some TV, gone shopping a couple of times and organised the SCAN news section ...

I've done lots. I guess it's going to be hard to translate that into my uni life. That makes me kinda sad, and nervous about going back on Monday.

To make things worse I forgot to bring my mobile home charger home with me so after my battery died early on in the week I couldn't turn my phone on again. I know that when I turn my phone on after recharging it I will get a load of voicemails and texts and I'll have to sit down and reply to them all.

I hate letting phone stuff build up. Having a mobile phone makes me nervous sometimes, in a weird way, when I can't use it. The prospect of having so much to get through and all this guilt from not replying to people makes me feel sick. As does going back to uni after not speaking to any of my friends up there for over a week.

This probably sounds a bit strange. I can't really explain why I get nervous like this and why I find it so hard to go back and forth between uni and home life after a period of more than a week. It's like I'm living two different lives, one when I'm there and one when I'm here. When I come home from uni my uni life stops, and if there's no particular reason for it (like a holiday) people want to know why I was away for so long, or what I did during that gap, or why I didn't communicate more. And I don't like to explain it because to them my explanations will seem dull and like no explanations at all.

Luckily I didn't have the pressure of lectures and seminars this week as we had a reading/personal study week - if I had had lectures I would have gone back for them - so I didn't have to worry about academic work. But instead of that I had to worry about SCAN, the student paper of which I'm one of the news editors. It wouldn't have been so bad, but at the same time as me being away Natalie, the other news editor, was apparently away too, and unreachable by e-mail, which is unusual. So it fell on me to organise the whole news section completely last minute, with a good chance that I'll be racing to get all the articles in by the deadline.

This is just what I don't need when I'm hundreds of miles away from Lancaster and the SCAN office, when the only thing I can do is to send e-mails and hope for the best. That's what I've been doing, and it's driving me crazy!

I guess I need to feel in control of things. I don't like the idea that I can't control what my friends might be thinking about my absence, and I don't like the idea that I can't control every aspect of the news section so that it all runs perfectly and people write what they're supposed to write and get it in on time. I'm not a control freak exactly - there are just some areas of my life that I need to be running smoothly, otherwise I get nervous and worried and stop enjoying myself.

Stress is my worst enemy. I hate it, and I hate feeling it. I consequently get a lot of it in my life.

*sigh* I sometimes wish things were simpler. Or that I didn't think so much about things. I can go from being perfectly cheerful to unbelievably twitchy in a matter of minutes if something unexpected and crazy happens.

I guess God made me this way for a reason though.

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Frosty morning

Nov. 17th, 2005 | 06:00 pm
mood: creativecreative

This morning my mum woke me up and said that it was frosty outside - pretty much the first frost of autumn. She told me to go outside and take some pictures ... so I did :)

[Click on the previews for the full images]

Geranium I

Frosted Daisies I

Geranium II

Frosted Daisies II

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It's cold outside

Nov. 14th, 2005 | 11:02 am
mood: relaxedrelaxed

Autumn has her hold on the land, but Winter is trying to edge in sideways and get his frosty grip in before Autumn's done her bit.

Autumn isn't done yet ... telling the animals to hibernate so they don't freeze; blowing all the leaves off the trees to make a bed for the bulbs and the hibernators; nurturing the land gradually towards Winter's big freeze.

But today is cold and Winter wants to take over already. The woodpigeons are sitting atop the roof of the house next door, their feathers all ruffled up to hold air in the spaces in between so it'll warm up. I just saw one dive off the roof, holding its wings to its body for a second in the dive before unfolding them to swoop in for a landing. They're ransacking the neighbours' bird table for seeds.

My sister was half asleep this morning and poured boiling water (intended for coffee) over her muesli instead of milk. She left it by the sink. I put it outside for the birds. I hope they eat it; there's an untouched feast in that bowl for small birds.

I'm at home at the moment, getting fully better (body *and* mind) after having the flu. It's nice to be in this relaxing atmosphere where I can do stuff at my leisure - work, drawing, writing - instead of rushing from one thing to the next like I do at uni.

I hope I get to stay here for a few more days before being lured back by the responsibilities of uni life. It's nice just to stop sometimes.

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(no subject)

Nov. 9th, 2005 | 01:49 pm
mood: thoughtfulthoughtful

the feeling that I will see a certain person again:

is it a hope?
is it a wish?
is it a prophetic vision?
or just a desperate plea?

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Flu and sneezy stuff

Nov. 8th, 2005 | 11:36 pm
mood: tiredtired

Okay, so the thing I had which I thought might mean I was coming down with something actually did get worse. I have the flu, which isn't that fun especially as I don't get ill very often and I'm going stir-crazy in my house at uni.

But the good news is, I think I may be moving my visit home forward so I go sometime this week. I'd rather be ill at home than here, really. And next week I have a reading week which means no lectures and seminars ... so in theory I could come back as late as the Monday after next. (I might well do that. I'll probably work better at home anyway.)

I've stayed in bed a lot while being ill, and this has given me a chance to catch up on reading. The other week when I was ill, it was Pride and Prejudice. Now I've just finished Good Omens by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman - and it rocks!

The thing is though, I am now searching on the sly for Aziraphale/Crowley slash fics. I've never been a slash reader before but I think I've become more open to suggestion recently.

It all started with the story that a girl in my creative writing class submitted a couple of weeks ago. It was the beginning of a story about these two guys, and in a response to a question asked by one of the other seminar members, she said yes, it was supposed to be a love story. I was mentally going 'I knew it! I so knew it!' at that point because she'd written the scene where they meet really well ... there isn't any obvious ham-fisted immediate romance but there is chemistry, and chemistry between characters makes me tingly.

Yeah. Blame her. ^_^

For now I'm going to abandon my slashy searches on FanFiction.net and go to bed so I can read Mossflower by Brian Jacques ... a kids' book, but so good for me right now as I've got the flu. Sweet, wholesome material. The sort of book I'll want to read to my kids.

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Morning all

Nov. 4th, 2005 | 09:44 am
mood: busybusy
music: The Arcade Fire - Neighbourhood #1 (Tunnels)

Another short entry, this, because I have to leg it out of here in about fifteen minutes and battle through the (strong) winds and (heavy) rain to go and meet somebody from church.

I woke up this morning with a really dry, sore throat. Which always indicates the onset of a cold, because my throat is always the first thing to go. The problem is, I just got over a fluey bug last week - will the autumn illness never end?! Also, I'm going to be extremely busy over the next two days so I won't even have time to curl up with a hot water bottle and eat soup! :'(

Okay, so it's probably not that bad. I can just tell it's going to develop into something though. And that's never fun.

In better news, my best friend Ross is visiting me at the beginning of December, on a Thursday! Which is going to be super-cool and fun because I haven't seen Ross in AGES.

Also, I'm going home for the weekend in the middle of this month. Dammit, I'm such a homely girl.

*sips Lemsip*

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It's aliiiiiive!

Nov. 4th, 2005 | 02:03 am
mood: sleepysleepy
music: Iron and Wine - Promising Light

Lots of things are. My house, with my three housemates (though one is absent at the moment), me cos I'm enjoying my hectic life at uni, and the internet is also alive! It got connected just the other day.

Also, my iPod mini which I got over the holidays. The battery kinda died on me for a while but tonight it decided to charge again, so I'm happy.

Life is good, really. I've been drawing a lot and working semi-hard, and reading more than ever. Right now I feel really tired, so I'm going to go to bed and read a new book. The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde.

Goodnight, world.

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Sep. 23rd, 2005 | 10:22 pm
mood: bouncybouncy

Back to Lancaster tomorrow. I've no idea how long it will take to set the house up with broadband (though I guess I should wait for the others to arrive so it could take a while) so this may be my last post for quite a while ... which is nothing new actually, since I'm rubbish at updating this journal frequently. *rolls eyes*
I'm drawing again! Yay! dA updateage pending me finishing drawings and getting internet access once back at Lancaster.
Did any of that last sentence make sense?
I'm excited. And in an optimistic mood. Tonight the glass is half full and you won't persuade me otherwise. Sorry folks.
I feel kinda like I should be zooming around on the ceiling or something. Like in Peter Pan! I watched that on holiday (the Disney version). I really want to see the version with Jason Isaacs in it ...
Sawyer in Lost, OMG he is hot!
That's about all you're going to get from me tonight.
*smacks self on head*
Yep, stream of consciousness still in full flow.
Tags: ,

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Work done, I'm happy

Sep. 8th, 2005 | 12:59 am
mood: jubilantjubilant

Yay! I finished some work today. Namely the feature I had to write for the Baptist Times newspaper which I worked at last year. This will earn me £150 and I found out today that I'll get the cheque in October. So that'll be a nice little top-up when I'm fully back into student life and being poor! I'll have to save some of it for something special. There's no point letting extra money be frittered away on rubbish. I like setting something aside so I don't just spend it all on food or going out or the run-of-the-mill everyday stuff that I spend money on at uni.

I'm always writing in here when I should really be in bed. But now, who cares? I need to be excitable on here for a while. I just finished a piece of work that has been weighing on my mind all summer, particularly over these last few weeks. I need to celebrate that!

I have some busy days coming up :-S

Tomorrow I'm at work and in the evening I'm going out at about 7 for a drink with my friend Alan, who I know from uni. He's about the only person who lives near me that I know at uni. Most of the rest of them are from up north. Anyway, since I'm going on holiday on Friday and need to pack on Friday morning, I'm getting the last train home instead of kipping on the sofa at his, and then I'm getting a taxi from Woking to New Haw. Which should cost about £11 as far as I remember ... kind of an inconvenience, but there's nothing much else that I can do about it. In any case, it'll be good to see him again.

In the meantime I also have to buy a new swimsuit during my lunch hour and fill out all my expenses forms to claim back travelling money from work. And I have to sort out student insurance sometime. *rolls eyes*

So much to do. But hey, as of this evening that's one less thing to do!

And I have my holiday to look forward to and that's going to be great, I just know it.

Since I'm actually quite tired I really am going to go to bed, but not before I say 'Lost rules!' Yep, I've succumbed to the Popular TV Show Disease, although I was always a victim really what with watching Buffy for years and now Firefly, which has gained popularity in cult-following form (obviously there's more to come with the release of Serenity in October here in the UK).

Heh, who cares? Lost is good, and I really am a bit of a fan of Sayid and Sawyer. Those two are great. And hot.

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