lost at sea

I wonder whether I will always feel like I'm in the shadow of people who I admire ... or whether one day I will finally feel equal to them and able to recognise my own worth.

I don't know.

I probably wrote in here that I came home after having flu. I can't really remember.

Well, that was a week and a half ago. I feel kinda crazy for having not gone back to uni sooner, especially as I've probably made life difficult for one of my housemates by not being around. I've also missed a ton of social stuff including a friend's birthday, and by now my friends are probably thinking that I've gone off to live in a cave. Heaven knows what they're going to think when I get back. There will be lots of questions about what I did this week ... and the simple, sad truth is that I haven't done much. Well, I guess not by their standards anyway.

In my own mind I've done tons. I've done lots of work including creative writing and catching up with most of my English reading, done a heck of a lot of drawing and spent a lot of time with my family. I've also taken photographs, been online a lot, watched some TV, gone shopping a couple of times and organised the SCAN news section ...

I've done lots. I guess it's going to be hard to translate that into my uni life. That makes me kinda sad, and nervous about going back on Monday.

To make things worse I forgot to bring my mobile home charger home with me so after my battery died early on in the week I couldn't turn my phone on again. I know that when I turn my phone on after recharging it I will get a load of voicemails and texts and I'll have to sit down and reply to them all.

I hate letting phone stuff build up. Having a mobile phone makes me nervous sometimes, in a weird way, when I can't use it. The prospect of having so much to get through and all this guilt from not replying to people makes me feel sick. As does going back to uni after not speaking to any of my friends up there for over a week.

This probably sounds a bit strange. I can't really explain why I get nervous like this and why I find it so hard to go back and forth between uni and home life after a period of more than a week. It's like I'm living two different lives, one when I'm there and one when I'm here. When I come home from uni my uni life stops, and if there's no particular reason for it (like a holiday) people want to know why I was away for so long, or what I did during that gap, or why I didn't communicate more. And I don't like to explain it because to them my explanations will seem dull and like no explanations at all.

Luckily I didn't have the pressure of lectures and seminars this week as we had a reading/personal study week - if I had had lectures I would have gone back for them - so I didn't have to worry about academic work. But instead of that I had to worry about SCAN, the student paper of which I'm one of the news editors. It wouldn't have been so bad, but at the same time as me being away Natalie, the other news editor, was apparently away too, and unreachable by e-mail, which is unusual. So it fell on me to organise the whole news section completely last minute, with a good chance that I'll be racing to get all the articles in by the deadline.

This is just what I don't need when I'm hundreds of miles away from Lancaster and the SCAN office, when the only thing I can do is to send e-mails and hope for the best. That's what I've been doing, and it's driving me crazy!

I guess I need to feel in control of things. I don't like the idea that I can't control what my friends might be thinking about my absence, and I don't like the idea that I can't control every aspect of the news section so that it all runs perfectly and people write what they're supposed to write and get it in on time. I'm not a control freak exactly - there are just some areas of my life that I need to be running smoothly, otherwise I get nervous and worried and stop enjoying myself.

Stress is my worst enemy. I hate it, and I hate feeling it. I consequently get a lot of it in my life.

*sigh* I sometimes wish things were simpler. Or that I didn't think so much about things. I can go from being perfectly cheerful to unbelievably twitchy in a matter of minutes if something unexpected and crazy happens.

I guess God made me this way for a reason though.

This morning my mum woke me up and said that it was frosty outside - pretty much the first frost of autumn. She told me to go outside and take some pictures ... so I did :)

[Click on the previews for the full images]

Autumn has her hold on the land, but Winter is trying to edge in sideways and get his frosty grip in before Autumn's done her bit.

Autumn isn't done yet ... telling the animals to hibernate so they don't freeze; blowing all the leaves off the trees to make a bed for the bulbs and the hibernators; nurturing the land gradually towards Winter's big freeze.

But today is cold and Winter wants to take over already. The woodpigeons are sitting atop the roof of the house next door, their feathers all ruffled up to hold air in the spaces in between so it'll warm up. I just saw one dive off the roof, holding its wings to its body for a second in the dive before unfolding them to swoop in for a landing. They're ransacking the neighbours' bird table for seeds.

My sister was half asleep this morning and poured boiling water (intended for coffee) over her muesli instead of milk. She left it by the sink. I put it outside for the birds. I hope they eat it; there's an untouched feast in that bowl for small birds.

I'm at home at the moment, getting fully better (body *and* mind) after having the flu. It's nice to be in this relaxing atmosphere where I can do stuff at my leisure - work, drawing, writing - instead of rushing from one thing to the next like I do at uni.

I hope I get to stay here for a few more days before being lured back by the responsibilities of uni life. It's nice just to stop sometimes.

the feeling that I will see a certain person again:

is it a hope?
is it a wish?
is it a prophetic vision?
or just a desperate plea?

Okay, so the thing I had which I thought might mean I was coming down with something actually did get worse. I have the flu, which isn't that fun especially as I don't get ill very often and I'm going stir-crazy in my house at uni.

But the good news is, I think I may be moving my visit home forward so I go sometime this week. I'd rather be ill at home than here, really. And next week I have a reading week which means no lectures and seminars ... so in theory I could come back as late as the Monday after next. (I might well do that. I'll probably work better at home anyway.)

I've stayed in bed a lot while being ill, and this has given me a chance to catch up on reading. The other week when I was ill, it was Pride and Prejudice. Now I've just finished Good Omens by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman - and it rocks!

The thing is though, I am now searching on the sly for Aziraphale/Crowley slash fics. I've never been a slash reader before but I think I've become more open to suggestion recently.

It all started with the story that a girl in my creative writing class submitted a couple of weeks ago. It was the beginning of a story about these two guys, and in a response to a question asked by one of the other seminar members, she said yes, it was supposed to be a love story. I was mentally going 'I knew it! I so knew it!' at that point because she'd written the scene where they meet really well ... there isn't any obvious ham-fisted immediate romance but there is chemistry, and chemistry between characters makes me tingly.

Yeah. Blame her. ^_^

For now I'm going to abandon my slashy searches on FanFiction.net and go to bed so I can read Mossflower by Brian Jacques ... a kids' book, but so good for me right now as I've got the flu. Sweet, wholesome material. The sort of book I'll want to read to my kids.

Another short entry, this, because I have to leg it out of here in about fifteen minutes and battle through the (strong) winds and (heavy) rain to go and meet somebody from church.

I woke up this morning with a really dry, sore throat. Which always indicates the onset of a cold, because my throat is always the first thing to go. The problem is, I just got over a fluey bug last week - will the autumn illness never end?! Also, I'm going to be extremely busy over the next two days so I won't even have time to curl up with a hot water bottle and eat soup! :'(

Okay, so it's probably not that bad. I can just tell it's going to develop into something though. And that's never fun.

In better news, my best friend Ross is visiting me at the beginning of December, on a Thursday! Which is going to be super-cool and fun because I haven't seen Ross in AGES.

Also, I'm going home for the weekend in the middle of this month. Dammit, I'm such a homely girl.

*sips Lemsip*

Lots of things are. My house, with my three housemates (though one is absent at the moment), me cos I'm enjoying my hectic life at uni, and the internet is also alive! It got connected just the other day.

Also, my iPod mini which I got over the holidays. The battery kinda died on me for a while but tonight it decided to charge again, so I'm happy.

Life is good, really. I've been drawing a lot and working semi-hard, and reading more than ever. Right now I feel really tired, so I'm going to go to bed and read a new book. The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde.

Goodnight, world.

Back to Lancaster tomorrow. I've no idea how long it will take to set the house up with broadband (though I guess I should wait for the others to arrive so it could take a while) so this may be my last post for quite a while ... which is nothing new actually, since I'm rubbish at updating this journal frequently. *rolls eyes*
I'm drawing again! Yay! dA updateage pending me finishing drawings and getting internet access once back at Lancaster.
Did any of that last sentence make sense?
I'm excited. And in an optimistic mood. Tonight the glass is half full and you won't persuade me otherwise. Sorry folks.
I feel kinda like I should be zooming around on the ceiling or something. Like in Peter Pan! I watched that on holiday (the Disney version). I really want to see the version with Jason Isaacs in it ...
Sawyer in Lost, OMG he is hot!
That's about all you're going to get from me tonight.
*smacks self on head*
Yep, stream of consciousness still in full flow.

Yay! I finished some work today. Namely the feature I had to write for the Baptist Times newspaper which I worked at last year. This will earn me £150 and I found out today that I'll get the cheque in October. So that'll be a nice little top-up when I'm fully back into student life and being poor! I'll have to save some of it for something special. There's no point letting extra money be frittered away on rubbish. I like setting something aside so I don't just spend it all on food or going out or the run-of-the-mill everyday stuff that I spend money on at uni.

I'm always writing in here when I should really be in bed. But now, who cares? I need to be excitable on here for a while. I just finished a piece of work that has been weighing on my mind all summer, particularly over these last few weeks. I need to celebrate that!

I have some busy days coming up :-S

Tomorrow I'm at work and in the evening I'm going out at about 7 for a drink with my friend Alan, who I know from uni. He's about the only person who lives near me that I know at uni. Most of the rest of them are from up north. Anyway, since I'm going on holiday on Friday and need to pack on Friday morning, I'm getting the last train home instead of kipping on the sofa at his, and then I'm getting a taxi from Woking to New Haw. Which should cost about £11 as far as I remember ... kind of an inconvenience, but there's nothing much else that I can do about it. In any case, it'll be good to see him again.

In the meantime I also have to buy a new swimsuit during my lunch hour and fill out all my expenses forms to claim back travelling money from work. And I have to sort out student insurance sometime. *rolls eyes*

So much to do. But hey, as of this evening that's one less thing to do!

And I have my holiday to look forward to and that's going to be great, I just know it.

Since I'm actually quite tired I really am going to go to bed, but not before I say 'Lost rules!' Yep, I've succumbed to the Popular TV Show Disease, although I was always a victim really what with watching Buffy for years and now Firefly, which has gained popularity in cult-following form (obviously there's more to come with the release of Serenity in October here in the UK).

Heh, who cares? Lost is good, and I really am a bit of a fan of Sayid and Sawyer. Those two are great. And hot.

Remember the 'Badger Badger' thing? Well here's the Llama song. I'd say it was just about on a par with Badger Badger in terms of random madness.

You'll stare at it for minutes. Minutes, I tell you!

Okay. Feeling less-than-serious tonight because I'm currently sitting here wearing my pink 'I want candy!' off-the-shoulder top and a cowboy hat. I also had two bottles of Stella Artois during dinner and my lower-than-when-I'm-at-uni alcohol tolerance means that I'm feeling pleasantly mellow because of it.

But really I should go to bed soon.

Now, in fact. *wanders off upstairs*

*is wondering where 123_flyaway and tashandra went*

Hmm, guess I haven't been updating much in here. So I'll try and make more use of this journal ... but having less entries makes me think more over each one. Which means less angst and incoherent rambling. I'm sure that's a good thing.

My brain is not functioning fully yet since I got up at 7 after little and disturbed sleep. Need some coffee!

Will write more later when brain is more awake.

~ Rosanna

I have had a good day.

It's Friday and I have the whole weekend ahead of me. I'll be by myself for a lot of tomorrow which means I'll have some time to myself, so I'm going to wake up early, get a cup of tea and then go back to bed and snooze. Bliss!

Another good thing happened just now. I just finished watching the last episode of Firefly with my sister (second time I'd seen it; first time she had) and then I came on here and went on eBay and looked for the Serenity comics. And I found a seller who was offering the second installment of Serenity for £2 as a buy it now listing (i.e. you don't have to bid in an auction, you just buy it). That's the cheapest I've seen any Serenity comic on there for - everyone else is holding auctions and getting the highest price they can for it (I want to say 'ripping off' but not only is it within people's rights to hold auctions like that, but also that's what eBay's for and I bought the first Serenity comic on auction for over £10 so I can't really talk). I was just so pleased to see the comic so cheap - even though I couldn't get the Kaylee cover. It didn't matter. And Serenity itself is coming out in October, and I'm going to see it with Ross. I don't care that I'll be at one end of the country and he'll be at the other - I'm going to see it with him, because it's what I said I'd do.

But now, moving on to the thing that will stick in my memory about today.

I was walking home from work today and I went through the park at the end of our road. I always walk across it - it's such a nice way to go home and it's a great shortcut. There's this huge green field with a cricket and football pitch and trees alongside the car park and the fence next to the canal at the back of it, and there's a bowling green, putting green, paddling pool, tennis courts, playground, basketball court and skate ramp ... it's a nice park ... anyway. I was just getting to the far side of the park when I saw something that made me literally stop and relive a memory from when I was very young. A couple were helping their young daughter to take her first bike ride without stabilisers. The little girl was blonde and riding a pink bike with white wheels. The mother was looking on, and the father was right behind the little girl on the bike, holding her upright, helping her pedal those first few essential feet. And as she did, she sped up a little bit, and gradually her dad fell back a bit until she rode a few feet on her own and carried on a little way. She stopped after a few seconds, but she'd ridden her bike on her own with her dad right behind her.

I had such a big grin on my face watching that. I'm grinning the same stupid big grin now as I remember it. I actually stopped and looked at them; I couldn't help myself. I didn't know whether to hide behind a tree or not but they couldn't see me so it didn't matter. I almost, but not quite, felt as if I was intruding on something very important and personal, but I was the only onlooker and I'm really glad I witnessed it. It was such a beautiful moment. It made me think of when my dad did exactly the same thing for me in Laleham park near where my grandparents live, years and years ago. I remember the moment vividly, except that everything in my memory is big and fast and a little blurred. I remember my mum taking my younger sister to play on the swings and slides (mum wasn't looking on; I guess you kinda have to divide your attention when you've got two small children!). I remember dad right behind me, pushing me forwards and helping me cycle. In my memory I am hurtling along at an incredible speed like a hundred miles an hour - or at least that's how it felt then when I was so small - and the bike ride is bumpy and exciting, and I teeter along, wondering whether I'll fall off, until I reach the fence of the playground where lots of children are playing, and then I stop.

That's where the memory ends. Today just brought it all back again. But I remember that moment, my first bike ride without stabilisers, a lot. I just felt so happy today seeing something that recalled my first bike ride so perfectly. And it was such a beautiful afternoon, and there were no other children or parents around this family. It was like they were captured in that moment, so happy and excited. I walked out of the park smiling, not looking back because that image was just so strong in my mind. It was amazing.

I got home from work about an hour and a quarter ago, and let me just say I'm real glad to be back home.

But I felt strangely chirpy while walking home from the station. I was whistling to myself. And I felt like singing. The sky was blue, all the gardens along Station Road looked beautiful with all their flowers in bloom, and I just felt like nothing in the world was wrong at that point.

Despite the fact that I was walking home from the station - a walk that's not all that thrilling, really.

Well, stranger things have happened, I guess.

Tonight I'm going to relax, watch some more Firefly, read a bit, and go to bed ... early. I felt kinda moody yesterday when I was thinking about the lack of adventure in my life, but today I'm feeling more positive about it all. My life is good. If I can walk home from work laughing and whistling and thinking happy thoughts, even after a pretty dull day at work and the fact that I left my work shoes in a carrier bag at Weybridge Station (I realised this after I got off the train at West Byfleet), then my life can't be all that bad.

And when the sun shines warmly on your back in the summer time, you know things are good.

I want an adventure.

Maybe I've just come round to thinking this because I've spent the last week at work and I've been cooking for myself and my sister and I will be this afternoon, and next week, and maybe I've read too many books and watched too many TV programs.

But seriously. What am I doing with my life? I'm going to University to get a degree, so I can get a job at the end of it. In the meantime I spend my time going out in the evenings, passing time drinking and watching TV and films and reading. That's just it. Passing Time. Passing time until what? What am I going to do when I stop passing the time?

If I really do end up becoming an author, what will I do? Write books about other people's adventures, their lives. I want an adventure of my own. I don't want to just be passing time until there's no time left.

Maybe one day I'll marry and have children. That brings meaning to life, doesn't it? Or maybe I'll find utter fulfillment in my religion, which I used to find but haven't been finding so much lately. I think there's a lot of fulfillment to be had there, and a lot of love: I do feel loved. I just don't feel fulfilled.

I need to go on an adventure of my own. I need to do something other than reading books and playing computer games and reading about the latest films and books and comics and TV programs on the internet. I need to do something other than saving up money so I can buy more *stuff*. I need to spend my money on something meaningful. Something that will make my life more than what it is right now.

Because I just feel that I'm sitting here and not really doing very much.

I wish I knew what to do. Where to go. All I know is that I don't want to spend my time like this, wishing more happened in my life - wishing, even, that I were a character in a book or a film or a TV show.

Maybe I sound like everyone else who's ever wished, or maybe I sound pathetic. I don't know. It's just how I feel.

Sunday morning is bright and sunny. And I'm really glad it's the weekend right now, because on Friday afternoon I finished my first week at my new job in London, and came home feeling very happy to have a break.

It's fairly quiet here. My parents have gone up to Scotland for a week's holiday, and yesterday my sister had work and then went out in the evening, so I was by myself most of the day. I could have gone out for a drink with some friends in the evening, but by the time I read the text message that someone had sent me, it was about 11pm and I'd just finished watching a film from the video shop.

I'd like to go and see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with my friend Ruth, but she's probably already seen it. Won't hurt to ask though.

I'm currently rather obsessed with the TV show Firefly. I got the DVD box set ages ago and watched the whole thing through once, but now I'm re-watching it with my sister, who hasn't seen most of the episodes. Firefly, IMO, is perfectly amazing. It only made it to one series before Fox axed it, after having done very little to actively support its presence on their channel. Most unfair, especially considering it's a real gem of a TV show, the best I've seen in ages, and the best thing I've seen by Joss Whedon (on TV that is, I hold it on a level with his comic book Fray). Yes, I love it even more than I love Buffy, which is saying something.

So anyway, Firefly didn't go away - they've made a film follow-on to it - which is a very happy miracle. It's coming out on the 30th September. I. Cannot. Wait. Except that by then I'll be back up at uni and I don't know a) whether it will show at Lancaster cinema (although I could always trek over to Preston or Morecambe if it's not showing) or b) who I will go see it with. I'll have to convert some of my uni friends before then.

In the interim between TV show and film, Whedon and some others have written a 3-part comic series to bridge the gap. The first edition sold out. The second one will probably also sell out. So I'm bidding for them on eBay. I don't know if this is a good idea, as the price will be inflated way above normal value but hang on, I think it's worth it.

Anyway. I don't really know why I'm going on and on about Firefly, but I guess it's just something I really love at the moment and I can't think of much else to say.

Oh. I got my new glasses yesterday. They're fine so far; no headaches from them being too tight or too strong, so it's all good.

And my dream of being a writer will go down the pan soon unless I actually *do* some writing.

Hey, I've just thought of something - if you get this far through my entry, comment with an idea or a few words or something for me to write a story about. I'll give it my best shot! (And post it up here.)

Sunday morning, it's the end of July, and it's overcast outside after last night's downpours of rain. What happened to the prediction that this would be the hottest summer in England for, well, years?! ... Although the cloud looks like it might break later on.

I broke my glasses going to the cinema with my friend Ruth (we saw Mr and Mrs Smith). They'd just about had enough of being bent out of shape for years, so one of the ear hook pieces broke off at the hinge. Completely snapped. I ordered a new pair of glasses, thank goodness, but I won't have them in time for starting my new job tomorrow! :(

My dad told my sister and me to tidy up downstairs this morning in gratitude for all the lifts he's been (or will be) giving us. But neither he nor my mother is at home right now, so I'm going to chill for a little bit longer, I think.

There is a pair of blackbirds in our garden and they've made a nest in the wisteria tree that grows on the side of our house. Every time I walk downstairs, I see one of them sitting on the fence with something in their beak like nesting material or worms or something. And there are lots of sparrows around at the moment, and blue tits. I love seeing them all flying around and being busy. Birds always look so cheerful and industrious whatever they're doing, I think.

I might go and see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory sometime this week, if I can. Hopefully Ruth will be around and I can go with her. Or I could go with my parents. *shrug* Either's good.

I've decided that I'm going to travel sometime. Either during one of the summer holidays, if I have some money, or after uni, before I start work properly. I really want to go to places in Europe, Africa, all over the place ... I definitely want to see more of the world.

Raaah, here endeth the random post.

New journal, yay! I am back and happy and fully ready to be on LJ again, methinks, but in need of a change of scene. So, welcome to zephyrdream.

Not much else to say right now. ^^ pretty flower, eh? I took that photo in my back garden one afternoon when I was bored, and it came out very purdy. :)

I tidied my room today, -properly- tidied, I mean. I like having a tidy room; it's a much more inspiring place to sleep in now. I finally took down my Legolas poster, having got over the Legolas-fangirl crush ages ago. *rolls eyes* Now my walls are pretty much bare. It's not bothering me right now as there are things in front of my walls, like a shelving unit and a wardrobe and more shelves, a dresser and a mirror, but I might get some nice artwork to put up there or something. I'll save the crazy mad excessive postering for when I'm back at uni.

Speaking of which ... I go back late in September, and I'm waiting to start a new job in the meantime so I can earn some money for the summer. Luckily, my dad is going to pay me to take off the remaining wallpaper in the downstairs bathroom, as well as sanding down and repainting the skirting board, doorframe and windowledge. Should do that next week or something.

Anyway. That's all for now.